Every trip back to Atlanta has been hard for me. This past one was particularly difficult…. maybe it’s because I stayed too long… maybe it’s because I fell back into all the motions as if I had never left… I felt like I was being suffocated by a lot of my old demons that I thought had been put to rest.
A very close friend of mine expressed his gratitude for my friendship. Offered sympathy for some of the heartbreaking events he saw me endure in the past. Gave me the advice that if I have a family of my own it will slow me down… to which I replied “I don’t have time to slow down.” And he countered “But maybe you need to… you can’t move at full speed forever and expect not to crash.”

I found myself back in the exact same place that years ago she and I sat at as I told her those deep dark stories of what I had endured and she cried over my pain. That day I expected to cry over her’s… yet I left the table realizing my friend is so much stronger than I was giving her credit for. There was no need for either of us to shed tears because we are both going to be ok… period.

I had a few moments where I felt like I stepped back in time.. only it was different because some of the key people that were there then, weren’t here with me now. I miss them. I wish they were still beside me and everything hadn’t ended in turmoil the way it did. But it did.

I got a phone call from a friend in need and before they could even explain what had happened I already knew. Because it was something I too had experienced as a younger more naive version of myself. It changed me in such an extreme way and I was fearful it would do the same to them…. yet I had no advice to give because 10+ years later I still don’t know the answer.

A particular someone, who’s opinion means the world to me, expressed in a group conversation that he knew I was going to be rich and successful. It was undoubtedly encouraging to hear that but all I could think was “But once I achieve that, then what?”

It’s a very strange feeling for someone who doesn’t deal with emotions well…. aka just numbs them until they are forgotten… to be so overwhelmed with emotions of every sort. I miss what was. I have grown from what happened, yet I still don’t know what to tell the next person as far as the lessons I’ve learned. I’m still not sure of what I want to happen next. Will I ever have enough? Will I be content if I move to Cali and fulfill all my dreams of success and wealth? Or will something always be missing? Would I change the past if I could? 

I don’t know. But I do know it’s therapeutic to actually deal with and OWN these emotions rather than trying to keep burying them deep down inside as they arise.