For years now I have heard people say how different your 30s are from your 20s. How much you change as a person as you grow older. Expressions like “You spend your 20s finding yourself.” I never really bought into that too much. I felt like I “found myself” at a very young age. I felt like the person I was by 25 would be the person I would remain for the rest of my Lyfe, Hell I felt like I knew it ALL….. I was wrong.

So much has changed now that I am approaching 30. My understanding of not only life, but also myself has grown to a level I never realized was possible. I genuinely KNOW myself now. I know my flaws, I know what I want, I know I don’t always have all the answers. I am also starting to realize the world isn’t as black and white as I previously believed; there is much more grey area when it comes to right and wrong. Some (wrong) actions seem more justifiable when you learn about events in a person’s past that led them to react in that way. Someone’s way of thinking becomes more understandable when you learn what they have been through. And the things that we try to move on from and never think about again still play a role in who we are.

My Road to 30 is about reflecting on childhood memories that I have subconsciously locked away for YEARS to understand why I am the person I am today. It’s about realizing I feel _________ when ___________ happens because of the events (good or bad) I’ve endured. Only then can I start to take control of my emotions and learn how to become a better version of myself. It’s about sharing things I thought I would take to my grave so that (A) I can finally heal and perhaps have a better understanding of self. (B) Work towards no longer feeling embarrassment or shame about my choices, and (C) Finally put my testimony out there so that it can potentially encourage or motivate the next person. I wish I had known YEARS ago that I was not alone in my struggles, this is my attempt to ensure someone else realizes that earlier than I did. (D) I also hope this will help certain people understand me better, help my readers relate to Barbee Lyfe in a new way.

So in exactly 30 days (8/25/17) I will turn 30 and over this next month I will attempt to share aspects of my life I have rarely ever discusses and certainly never made public. From the abandonment issues that still impact me today because both of my parents left when I was a child, to the independence I had to learn so early with an addict as a Father. Even the twisted violent fantasies I have because my early sexual experiences were violent. The fact that I am a Hustler because at 13 years old my Father’s drug dealer took an interest in me and taught me the game. That as much as I vowed I would NEVER be the woman who let a man abuse me, yet I stayed in a domestically violent relationship for over 7 years. I have been sexually assaulted, beaten unconscious and even held against my will. There were times I didn’t think I’d live to see 30, yet HERE I AM and my Lyfe is incredible. However, its time to share not only the good….. but also the bad and the ugly!